When I was about eight or nine years old, I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up – a cowboy!
I owned the fanciest pair of six-shooters on the block, I was always riding around on a broom I called Midnight, and I absolutely cherished my Roy Rogers lunch pail. I had a bright red cowboy hat which all my friends envied, a shiny marshal’s badge just like the one Matt Dillon always wore, and a belt full of silver bullets which would reflect the sunlight when I ran around the yard yelling, “Heigh-ho-Silver, and away!”
I also spent every Saturday morning watching old Roy Rogers and Gene Autry movies, and I never missed an episode of Gunsmoke, The Lone Ranger, or The Cisco Kid. My best friend even deserted me because he got sick-and-tired of me always insisting that he be my sidekick during bloody make-believe shoot-outs in my front yard, which always seemed to leave him stone-cold dead. Oh, and he also hated me calling him Gabby all the time, after old Gabby Hayes, the best sidekick of them all.
But what I think I liked most about all the cowboy heroes I worshiped was the fact that each and every one of them rode a really great looking horse! Roy Rogers had his beautiful palomino, Trigger, with his flowing white mane and tail; The Lone Ranger had Silver, who was extremely smart and always in the exact right spot when Kimo Sabe needed to jump up on his back and escape from the bad guys; and Tonto had Scout, the best-looking steed of them all, a handsome pinto with black and white patches who I’m pretty sure later sired an offspring which was ridden by Little Joe on Bonanza.
Anyway, all this love of cowboys and beautiful horses led my parents to drive me and my brother and sister down to the Napa Valley one bright and sunny summer day to a place where they let little kids ride real live horses instead of the old, tired ones that you could stroll around in a circle on at the local park for $2. And I could hardly contain my excitement! I was actually, finally, going to get to ride on one of God’s greatest creatures – the horse! And oh, the thoughts that went through my young mind! Would it be a smart horse, who could count to ten with one of his front hoofs like Trigger could do? Or would it be a really fast horse, like the one The Cisco Kid used to race off on at the end of his television show? And most important of all, what color would it be? Would it be a gorgeous palomino like Trigger, or breath-takingly pure white like Silver, or maybe even my favorite of them all, a pinto like Scout?
Well, I’m afraid the most anticipated day of my young life started to go downhill in a pretty big hurry! To begin with, the horse they gave me to ride was extremely overweight, obviously out of shape, and definitely incapable of helping me chase down even the most slow-footed outlaw we might run into. Plus, it was named Doughnut of all things.
Then I made the mistake of taking a really close look at poor Doughnut. He wasn’t golden, or silver, or spotted with gorgeous black and white patches like I had hoped he would be. Instead, he was the dullest, dirtiest, ugly brown imaginable! Not only that, but he smelled incredibly bad, like he hadn’t been washed down since the last winter storm, and he also kept lifting up his filthy, uncombed tail so he could go to the bathroom every few minutes.
Once on the long and dusty trail, things only got worse. Doughnut only had one speed – slow. And it was no use verbally trying to encourage him to gallop, or to spur him with the heels of my tennis shoes. In fact, the only thing that made his hairy ears perk up at all was when he spotted a shallow creek, strolled over to it, and proceeded to take a very loud – ten-minute drink of water. Once that was over, he turned around and very leisurely headed back to the barn.
Anyway, as you might imagine, it wasn’t long after that I decided to hang up my guns and get on with the rest of my life. I mean how could any red-blooded young cowboy be expected to jump up on his horse and yell at the top of his lungs, “Heigh-ho-Doughnut and away!”
But if some of you horse-lovers out there are still considering being a cowboy someday, here are a few insights from the “Cowboy’s Guide to Life”, by Texas Bix Bender, that you probably ought to always keep in mind:
- Don’t ever squat with your spurs on.
- If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you want to do is stop digging.
- Never interfere with something that ain’t bothering you none.
- If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
- Always take a good look at what Cookie brings you to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
- Always drink upstream of the head.
- And finally, the quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.