I was having one of those online chats with a friend the other day who lives back in Chicago and she suddenly asked me how I was doing on my winterizing.
“Winterizing?” I asked. “What is that?”
“You know,” she explained, “getting your house and garage and car and everything else ready for the winter.”
“Nope,” I said, “we don’t do any of that out here. This is California, the Sunshine State, remember?”
“But you do have a winter, don’t you?”
“Oh sure, but all that means to me is that I have to break out a few sweaters and my windbreaker.”
“You’re kidding?” she asked in amazement. “You don’t even get snow at all?”
“Not a single flake where I live,” I assured her.
“Never?”
“Nope, never.”
“Do you have any idea how lucky you are?”
“Probably not,” I admitted.
“Well,” she said, “let me give you an idea of what you’re missing. Out here at this time of year, we start with the outside of the house first. All the gutters need to be cleaned out, checked for leaks, and sealed. The storm windows have to be sealed, too, and all the exterior faucets shut off, bled out and covered to prevent freezing. Foundation cracks have to be inspected and sealed, as does the roof. We have to make sure all the downspouts are securely attached because it’s usually ice that causes the big problems, not the snow. The air conditioner unit has to be blown out and then covered securely with a metal tarp. Oh, and all the wood has to be chopped up, stacked, and properly covered, and any plants you might want to make it through the winter have to be taken inside. Then I turn my attention to the garage.”
“The garage?” I asked with interest. “Why does that have to be winterized?”
“Because a lot of the really important stuff you will need to survive a Chicago winter is in there. For instance, the rock salt has to be inventoried to make sure we have plenty of it on hand. Then I get out the snow blower and do a very basic tune up, you know, making sure the blades are working and that there is plenty of oil in it. I also break out the snow shovels which will stay on the front and back porches all the way until spring. Oh, and I also have to put a big bucket of rock salt next to the front door to make sure we don’t slip and kill ourselves when the ice gets here.”
“Wow,” I said, “that’s a lot of work just to get ready for a change in seasons.”
“And that’s just the exterior of the house,” she continued. “On the inside, the boiler has to be checked, the covers on the radiators have to be taken off and vacuumed, and all the winter gear – coats, hats, gloves, and boots – has to be gotten out. And if you have a son who never stops growing like mine does, you have to make sure everything still fits. My husband actually has winter survival suits, and they have to be inspected every year, too, along with his winter ice cleats, heavy-duty jeans and sweaters. Oh, and the winter bedding has to all be taken out and washed, including the flannel sheets, heavy blankets, and winter comforters. We even have heated mattress pads now, although I still consider that a decadent luxury.”
“You know,” I said, “where I live here in West Sacramento, about the only thing I really do for winter is start closing the front door during the day instead of just using the screen door.”
“You don’t even have to do anything to your car?” she asked in amazement.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Out here,” she explained, “we have to take our cars and have snow tires put on them. I also pack our cars with a winter survival kit and check all the supplies I keep in the trunks, like extra gloves, ice scrappers, and folding shovels. I also put heavy blankets in both of the cars, as well as hand and foot warmers. I change all the batteries in the flashlights and replace the fire extinguishers. I used to even keep lots of extra windshield wiper fluid in the cars, but all that sloshing around drove me crazy.”
As our little online chat continued, I also learned that wintertime in Chicago means bundling up until you look like the Michelin Man and not even being able to move your head without turning your whole body at the same time; and trying to stand upright during blizzards when the wind chill is minus-thirty degrees; and hugging the sides of downtown buildings when you’re out shopping because pedestrians are killed every year from falling ice; and just trying to survive the cabin fever that always goes along with a long, harsh Mid-Western winter.
“So,” I finally said, “I take it you don’t think a guy like me, who was born and raised in all this wonderful California sunshine and doesn’t even own a winter coat and boots, would do very well in one of your Chicago winters, do you?”
“I’m afraid you would quickly turn into a Darylsicle,” she said, “and to tell you the truth, you would probably be dead before the spring ever got here!”