Did you know that according to the Podiatric Medical Association, we walk 75,000 miles (nearly three times around the world) in an average lifetime; that the condition of our feet can dramatically affect our temperament and our sense of humor; that there are over 250,000 sweat glands on the feet; that the closest thing to foot odor is limburger cheese; that you should always buy your shoes late in the afternoon because your feet swell during the course of the day; that you should leave your shoes out in the sunlight as often as possible to kill bacteria; and that we should spray our feet with an antiperspirant just like we do with our underarms.
With all of the above in mind, I decided to pay a little visit the other evening to a very close relative of mine (I’ll call him Pepe, after one of my favorite cartoon characters, Pepe Le Pew).
“What do you want?” asked Pepe, as I entered his room and found him as I usually do, sitting in front of his computer screen and thumbing away at one of his computer games.
“I have a little gift for you,” I said.
“A gift?”
“That’s right.”
“What kind of gift?”
“Well,” I said, “if you’ll take your eyes away from that computer screen for just a few seconds, I’ll toss it over to you.”
“Okay, in a minute. I’m almost done. Just hold your horses.”
As I impatiently waited for Pepe to wrap up his computer game I couldn’t help but notice the very same limburger cheese-like odor which always seems to be lingering around in his room, especially in the evening hours.
“Hey,” I finally said to Pepe, “you know I can’t stay in your room for very long without a gas mask. Here’s your gift!”
And with that warning, I tossed a large can of Right Guard spray deodorant (original sport scent) into Pepe’s lap.
“What’s that for?” immediately asked Pepe. “You know I can’t use that stuff. I’m a roll-on man.”
“It isn’t for your armpits,” I said.
“Then what is it for?”
“It’s for your feet!”
“My feet?”
“That’s’ right, your feet. I just learned that if a person sprays deodorant on their feet a couple of times a day, it really cuts down on foot odor.”
“So, just what are you trying to tell me here?” asked Pepe indignantly. “That I have bad smelling feet?”
“That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you!”
“Hey, my feet don’t smell any worse than anyone else’s,” Pepe assured me. “And no way am I walking around with them smelling like Right Guard!”
“Just give it a try,” I pleaded.
“No way!” exclaimed Pepe. “And do you know what I think’s going on right now?”
“What?”
“Now that you’re so old, you can’t smell any better than you can see or hear!”
“Well,” I said, “I can definitely smell good enough to know that your room always reeks!”
“But that’s got nothing to do with my feet,” Pepe assured me.
“Then what is this god-awful odor that’s always in here?”
“Dad, that’s just gas!”