When you’ve got as many kids as I do, you’re always looking for ways to save some money, so my eyes really lit up when I recently ran across an article in the Sunday Sacramento Bee entitled, “Putting those thrift tips to the test”. It was written by a lady named Cheryl Challeder who writes for the Des Moines Register, and I could hardly wait to share some of her money saving suggestions with my wife, who was seated at the dining room table getting ready to pay the monthly bills. “Hey, Mary,” I yelled out from the couch, “how much do we spend every month around here on deodorants?”
“What?” asked my puzzled wife as she reluctantly looked up from her task.
“How much does a can of Right Guard cost nowadays?” I asked her.
“I don’t know — about eight dollars, I guess,” she said as she took a check she had just finished writing and stuck it in an envelope.
“You’re kidding?” I said, surprised that a container of deodorant would cost so much. “Is that the big can or the little can?”
“Just why are we having this discussion?” asked my wife, obviously annoyed that I was bothering her during check-writing time.
“Does that Ban roll-on stuff that you and Carrie use cost that much, too?” I asked her.
“It’s even more — why?”
“Because I’m reading a really interesting article here that says people can save a small fortune if they just use baking soda instead of store-bought deodorant.”
“You’re kidding,” said my wife, her facial expression slowly turning to disgust.
“No, I’m serious,” I said. “Listen to this. It says here that all you have to do is dip a cotton ball in some baking soda and dab it on your armpits. It effectively stops wetness, and the only downside seems to be that some people report a feeling of having sand under their arms all day long, but even that can be helped by just mixing the baking soda with some cornstarch. And the best part is that baking soda only costs 59 cents a box. Think of how much money we could save around here if we all just started dusting ourselves with baking soda after our showers.”
“Daryl,” my wife assured me, “no one in this family is going to put baking soda in their armpits.”
“Why not?”
“Just take my word for it, they won’t.”
“What if I try it first?”
“Be my guest,” she said, “but I’m busy here, okay? Now please, go outside and play or something.”
“And here’s another tip that I think we should definitely mention to Jenny and Joy (friends of my daughter who are having babies in the near future). It’s the directions on how they can make their very own homemade baby wipes.”
“Leave me alone!” shouted my wife.
“But it sounds really simple. All they have to do is cut up a roll of heavy paper towels in half, mix 2 1/4 cups water, 2 tablespoons of baby shampoo or baby bath, and 1 tablespoon of baby oil in a plastic container, put a lid on the container, turn it upside down to let the liquid soak the towels completely and before you know it, bingo — instant baby wipes. The whole process only takes about 15 minutes and think of how much money a new mother could save. It says here that regular baby wipes are $3.50 a box. Can you believe that? “
“Stop it!” shouted my wife.
“Okay, okay, but it just seems to me that there are hundreds of thousands of people employed all over the country doing everything they can to convince people to buy products we don’t really need. I mean, people got along just fine for centuries without deodorant and baby wipes, now didn’t they?”
“Can we please talk about this later?” pleaded my wife. “These bills have to be paid by tomorrow morning.”
“Did I ever tell you that I read a book on Napoleon that said every time he was about ready to wrap up a war, the very first thing he would do was send a message all the way back to France to tell Josephine he was on the way home and that he didn’t want her taking any baths.”
“Now why in the world would he do that?” asked my wife, who won’t even go camping unless the campground has state-of-the-art showering facilities.
“Because he liked the way Josephine smelled. Yes-sir-re, no Right Guard spray and Ban roll-on for Napoleon and Josephine. And look what happened to them — they almost conquered the whole world!”
“And your point is?” asked my wife impatiently.
“Well,” I finally admitted, “I guess I don’t really have a point.”
“What’s new,” I’m pretty sure I heard her mumble under her breath.