My teenage daughter and her best friend, Amy, was sitting on the couch with me watching a re-run of my favorite television comedy, Seinfeld, when a cute little commercial came on. It takes place in a dimly lit kitchen, where this guy and his wife (it may be his girlfriend) appear to be having a late-night snack. She is wearing a nightgown and is seated at a table, looking sadly at an empty glass. He seems to be about half-awake and is busy searching around inside the refrigerator for something to drink.
“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” she suddenly asks him.
He looks back at her with panic and says, “Is this about that ring I got you?”
She glances down at the ring on her finger, obviously puzzled by his question.
“You know,” he continues, “a cubic zirconia looks just like a real diamond.”
Now she is really concerned, but she doesn’t say a word. He sits down next to her at the kitchen table and adds to his growing problem by saying, “Well, then, is this about the time I spent in prison?”
She looks at him with disbelief, holds up her empty glass, and finally says, “I just thought you drank the last of the milk.”
Caught up in his lies, he tries to force a half-smile and then a caption appears on the television screen which simply reads, “Got milk?”
As I chuckled at the commercial, I couldn’t help but notice that my daughter and her best friend didn’t think it was all that funny.
“You know,” said Amy, “men can be such pigs.”
“Tell me about it,” said Carrie nodding her head in agreement.
“They lie like dogs,” continued Amy. “It’s almost like they don’t even know how to tell the truth.”
“They think it’s just a game or something,” said Carrie shaking her head in disgust.
“It’s really kind of sick, isn’t it?” added Amy.
“And when they aren’t busy thinking up new lies to tell us,” said Carrie obviously warming to the subject, “they’re out there somewhere trying to build up their poor little male egos by flirting with other girls behind our back.”
“Isn’t that the truth,” said Amy. “One girl just never seems to be enough for any of them.”
“I wonder why that is?” asked Carrie.
“I think it’s probably hormonal or something,” said Amy wrinkling up her face.
“Well,” said Carrie with conviction, “All I know is that I don’t want to have anything to do anymore with a guy I can’t trust.”
“But that’s the problem,” said Amy, “You can’t trust any of them. Not even the ugly ones!”
Then as I began to squirm around on the couch, and desperately tried to come up with a good excuse to leave the room my daughter suddenly looked directly at me and said, “You’re a man, Dad. So, tell us, why are most guys such immature liars and cheats?”
“Yeah, Daryl,” said Amy. “I know you’re really old and everything and that most of this stuff has already passed you by, but I’d still like to hear what you have to say. No kidding, why do you think guys are such scum?”
Trying to buy a little thinking time, I sat up straighter and slowly cleared my throat.
“Well,” I finally managed to say, “to begin with, don’t you think the word scum might be, you know, just a little harsh?”
“Oh no it isn’t,” said Amy quickly correcting me. “And if you ask me, it describes most of the guys I have dated perfectly.”
“You tell him, Amy,” said Carrie proud to have a friend willing to say it like it is.
Knowing that I wasn’t going to match Amy’s quick wit or Carrie’s tenacious logic (they are always creaming me in similar debates) I decided to turn the conversation in a slightly different direction towards pity.
“Girls,” I said. “Someone once said that for most men loving and possessing, conquering and consuming is their way of knowing.”
“Knowing what?” asked Carrie.
“Oh,” I said. “Lots of things. Like who they are, what’s special about them, if they measure up to what they think men are supposed to be. Stuff like that.”
“But why do they have to lie and cheat to figure those things out?” asked Carrie.
“I don’t really know,” I admitted, wanting to say something profound to my daughter, like please don’t spend too many precious days and months looking for some kind of superhuman, perfect happiness in relationships, because you will only miss the wonderful sweep of days that a man and woman can share.
“Well,” volunteered Amy with confidence. “I know exactly why all men lie and cheat.”
“Why,” Carrie asked.
“Because they’re scum!”