Much to my surprise, a lady whom my daughter occasionally baby-sits for recently accused me of knowing something about child rearing. “Actually,” I told her, “When it comes to raising kids, I’m a lot like that guy who knows just enough karate to walk into a country-western bar and get his butt kicked.” She looked a little surprised by my comment but managed to force a half-smile. “If the truth be known,” I continued, “I’m afraid my kids are more or less raising me and their mother, not the other way around.”
“But you must have a few basic principles or something which you use as a kind of guidepost for successful parenting?”
“Oh, sure,” I said. “I’ve got a whole bunch of those.”
“Like what?” she asked.
“Well, let’s see. I guess you’d have to put parental ignorance right up there at the top of my list.”
“Excuse me?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
“To tell you the truth,” I said, “if I actually knew all the things my kids were up to, I’d probably have a stroke. Mercifully, most of the time, all four of them manage to keep me pretty much in the dark.”
“And that’s okay with you?” she asked with surprise.
“Are you kidding? It’s bliss!”
“But everything I’ve ever read says a good parent should be involved in every aspect of their child’s life.”
“Maybe so, but I’ve barely got the time to be involved in every aspect of my own life. Besides, space is everything to a kid, and grown-ups are always forgetting that.”
“Well,” she said, obviously disappointed with my lack of insight, “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, but what else do you think goes into being a good parent?”
I decided I better give a little bit more thought to my answer. “A good appreciation of bathroom humor is definitely a must,” I finally said. “Especially in the area of flatulence.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope. From the time they’re three or so until they’re maybe fourteen, almost all of their jokes revolve around bathroom humor. If you don’t learn to laugh at it now and then, they start thinking they’re not very funny, and the last thing you want on your hands is a kid who thinks he or she isn’t funny.”
The very nice lady quickly changed the subject, made some small talk, and said she really had to be getting back to work. After we parted, however, I realized I had much more to say on the subject than I thought, and here are a few more really good parenting hints I didn’t have time to pass along to her.
Set a definite bedtime for each child. Not only will your children be better rested and have more energy at school, this will also do wonders for the sex life of their parents.
Invest heavily in video games. You’d be amazed at how much aggression a kid can get rid of by simply zapping things on a video screen.
If you have a teenage daughter who is dating an idiot, pretend you really, really like him, and within a few weeks, he will almost magically disappear.
If you have teenage sons, never bring one of their fights to an end by slugging the aggressor and yelling, “I don’t want you hitting people!” It seems to give the wrong message.
Don’t keep continually sitting your kids down to tell them about the evils of taking drugs. Just do it once and calmly explain that if you ever catch them even so much as taking a single drag off a marijuana cigarette, they will be taken out in the backyard and shot.
Never take your children to a movie you just `think’ they might enjoy. If you happen to be wrong, it will cost you a small fortune in cokes, buttered popcorn, assorted candy bars and Bon-Bons.
Assign a specific list of household chores to each of your children. They of course will never get around to doing them, but the excuses they come up with are wonderfully entertaining and the lists you create will help you better organize all the extra things you need to do after work and on weekends.