I have a work friend who doesn’t think too highly of the Christmas holidays.
“It’s become much too commercialized,” she told me not long ago, “and a few years back, I just decided that enough was enough. I was sick of slaving away making Christmas cookies and spending countless hours in crowded shopping malls picking out gifts that just got returned anyway. Plus, it was really starting to cause problems for me and my husband.”
“Christmas?” I asked with surprise, wondering how my favorite holiday could possibly be detrimental to a marriage.
“You see,” she explained, “most men just don’t realize how much time and effort goes into making Christmas the merry old time it is. They don’t have to do the shopping, the cooking, the Christmas cards, the thank you notes, the cleanup, nothing. In fact, most of them just sit around drinking eggnog and watching football games. You’re not like that, are you, Daryl?”
“Of course not,” I lied.
“Well, I’m afraid my husband is, and we used to have these really big fights about it all the time. When I started throwing Christmas ornaments at him a few years ago, I knew we had to do something.”
“So, what did you do?”
“Well,” she said matter-of-factly, “now that the kids are all grown, my husband and I just don’t do Christmas anymore.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope. No more lighted reindeer on the roof, no outrageously expensive Christmas tree to decorate and keep watered, no more ugly poinsettia plants all over the darn place, and no relatives to push out the door as quickly as humanly possible, on Christmas Eve.”
“Really?” I asked with disbelief. “You completely ignore Christmas?”
“That’s right, except for going to church of course. You ought to try it. It’s heaven.”
“But I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone totally ignoring Christmas,” I said, still trying to get my head around the whole concept.
“We even leave town,” she continued. “In fact, this year we’ve decided to go on our first cruise. Have you ever been on a cruise?”
“No, I haven’t,” I admitted.
“Well, we’re really looking forward to it,” she said with genuine excitement in her eyes. “I hear they’re great fun.”
“They sure are,” I said, “but I’ve been told that you have to be very careful about what you eat when you go on one of those things.”
“Really?” she asked with concern. “Now why is that?”
“It’s because they apparently never stop feeding you food. You can eat full-course meals five times a day if you want, and I’m talking lobster and fancy desserts. I know this one lady who went on one of those Alaska cruises and when she got back, she had gained fifteen pounds.”
“Fifteen pounds?” said my friend with horror. “You can’t be serious?”
Suddenly remembering that my friend is extremely weight conscious and that I had probably said the wrong thing, I quickly added, “You know, I read somewhere that there’s this new scientific study that’s just been published which shows that women, particularly those of European descent like you, are actually designed not only to store fat, but to resist losing it.”
“What is that you say?” she asked with alarm.
“Well,” I said, wishing I had never opened up my big mouth but not knowing exactly how to change the subject, “it’s just that I don’t think you should worry too much about gaining weight on your Christmas cruise because this new study says that women are supposed to maintain at least a two to one fat-ratio to men. Plus, they’ve proven that women have an enhanced ability to accumulate fat. You see, these scientists were dissecting these female gorillas, and underneath the furry skin, particularly around the thighs, they found this really impressive layer of fat. So, they asked themselves why should that be and they came up with this new theory, that women just aren’t supposed to have thin thighs, tiny breasts, narrow hips and flat stomachs. Apparently, women were given a body shape by evolution designed for lactation and hard times. Now, unlike rabbits, who average only four percent body fat, and a slow rabbit is a dead rabbit, women….”
“Stop! Stop! Stop!” she interrupted me.
“But all I’m trying to say is that it’s not fair for society to hold women to a low-fat standard of beauty. Their bodies just haven’t evolved that way.”
“And just what does this all have to do with Christmas?” she demanded to know, giving me the distinct impression that if a Christmas ornament had been handy, she would have thrown it at me.