I was talking to a longtime friend the other evening, and the conversation somehow turned to the subject of all the horrible advertisements on television nowadays which are specifically directed towards men of our particular age group.
“I’m so sick and tired of hearing about the latest miracle drug for weak stream, or male enhancement, or erectile disfunction,” said my friend with emphasis. “Can’t the pharmaceutical companies just let us poor old guys age with a little grace and dignity?”
“Are you kidding?” I said. “The drugs they are always advertising for those kinds of problem are some of their biggest money makers. Our medical miseries end up being their bonus checks “
“I suppose you’re right,” said my friend, “but every time I turn on the television, especially if it’s a sporting event I want to watch, there’s nothing but wall-to-wall Viagra and Cialis ads, you know, the ones where some not quite over-the-hill couple with romantic music playing in the background, and both of them looking all googly-eyed at each other, are trying everything they can to put the sex back into their relationship. Heck, if I tried to get all lovey-dovey like that with my wife all the time, she’d probably throw me out of the house. And I bet poor old Elvis turns over in his grave every time he hears that viva-Viagra commercial.”
“I think I actually dislike those Flomax commercials the most,” I said to my friend.
“Why is that?” he asked.
“Well, it’s the name of the drug for starters. I wonder what clever ad man came up with that?”
“Hey, don’t they have a drug that is always being advertised for women that is supposed to fix the same problem? You know, those ads where some poor woman is sitting in a movie, or some other public event, when she suddenly has to jump up and race off to the bathroom.”
“Now you see,” I said. “That’s exactly the point I’m trying to make. That most everyone our age, be they men or women, have some kind of problem with going to the bathroom, but that’s no reason for Baby-Boomers everywhere to suddenly start popping a bunch of pills, with lots of heavy side effects. In the case of Flomax, for instance, you’re supposed to take that before bedtime, so you won’t notice how dizzy and light-headed it can make you. Heck, I’d much rather have a problem going to the bathroom than a problem being dizzy and light-headed. And did you know that Flomax is another one of those drugs that can cause four-hour erections?”
“Geez,” said my friend, “it seems like just about every pill they make for a man to swallow nowadays can end up with him in an emergency room looking really stupid.”
“By the way,” I said, “I read somewhere that Viagra is the best-selling drug to come along since Prozac. Something like twenty million men are taking it, or have at least talked to their doctor about taking it. Can you believe that?”
“Well,” said my friend, “no way am I ever taking Viagra.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Because a relative of mine takes it and he let me read the instructions they gave him warning about all the nasty side effects, in addition to that four-hour erection you mentioned.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Like developing really bad headaches and a sudden drop in your blood pressure, and coronaries even.”
“Coronaries? You mean like dropping dead while you’re having sex?”
“That’s right,” he said. “Can you imagine that?”
“I don’t want to even try,” I said. “Let me tell you, my wife would kill me if I ever dropped dead while we were making love. She doesn’t even like to have a dead fly in her bedroom, not to mention what all of her chatty little work friends would do with a juicy bit of gossip like that. Oh, and did I mention that in addition to killer headaches, low blood pressure and coronaries, some guys get really bad blurred vision, too, or start seeing things with a blue or green halo around them, or even end up with temporary blindness when they take Viagra or Cialis.”
“Can you imagine that, going blind just to be a better lover?”
I shook my head, “No.”
“Hey,” asked my friend, “why are you smiling?”
“Well, I was trying to imagine what it would be like to have to sit around in a crowded emergency room some night, blind as a bat, for four hours waiting for things to return to normal.”